apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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