I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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