So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
