seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
