thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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