The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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