mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I did not marry a roomba.
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