Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
