Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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