Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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