I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need to sanitize my soul.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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