wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
