Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
