And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
