You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
