youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
