Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
