How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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