I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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