I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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