The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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