We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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