Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
