I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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