it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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