I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
