So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
