good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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