My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
