hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize