i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Your cock deserves a montage
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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