if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
