are you so shy because you have an std?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
