I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
