i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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