My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
