D3 body, D1 cock
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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