you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
