Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
