my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm too high and old for this...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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