Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
