I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
