Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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