its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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