Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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