Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
