While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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