I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
