3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
