Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
two words...techno handjob
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
