I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
and you fell through a lawn chair
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Damn victory sex feels great
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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