I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
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She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
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I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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