I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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