you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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