there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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