Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
