Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
